Mental Clarity

I have recently found myself constantly looking for validation. Validation that what I think, what I feel, and what I perceive is okay.

I am not lonely if I want to stay in most nights. I am not unhappy if I don’t laugh at your joke. I am not scared if I don’t want to do something.

Or maybe I am. And that is okay. 

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine had mentioned she has been going to church after struggling with her thoughts, like I am. She wanted me to go with her, but I am pretty much always working on Sundays. Oddly enough, when the following weeks work schedule was posted, I was off on Sunday! A sign?

Sunday morning, at 10 am, we arrived at a bar. A projection screen, young man with a guitar, and about 30 people were inside awaiting a church service. The pastor was about 30 years old, he introduced himself, and we prayed. Then we sang, and in between verses a few people from the crowd went up to the front and read bible verses or told personal stories.

The girl in the aisle seat next to me made her way to the front of the crowd. She began a story about how she had found that she unconsciously changed her personalities according to who she was with, always wanting to be liked. She went on about how she struggled with this and how she came to terms with being her true self regardless of the circumstances. She ended with how being a part of this church and being close with God has brought her a sense of peace within herself.

She returned to her seat next to me and I whispered to her that she did awesome! It takes a lot of confidence to speak in front of others like that.

The service continued and the pastor told his own stories, stories from scripture, and stories to make us think.

He handed pink post-it notes to the crowd. He instructed us to write the phrase: “A part of me has allowed other people to define me as…” Fill in the blank. I tossed countless words around in my head and there I was again, trying to peak over at other’s notes, seeking validation in what I was feeling. When I acknowledged that I was falling into this mindset once again, I could let go of it and look deep into my own feelings and thoughts. And then it came to me.

A part of me has allowed other people to define me as selfish. 

I stared at it, wondering if I should scribble it out. Then came the second part of the exercise. Pass your post-it to the person on your left.

I awkwardly handed it over to the girl who told her story earlier. The pastor announced, “On the backside of their note, I would like you to write, ‘We are here to help you discover that you are…'”

When my note was passed back I held onto it for a bit without reading it. It was hard to imagine what someone who has never met me could say to someone who has allowed people to see them as selfish. Selfish is such a yucky word.

“We are here to help you discover that you are filled with love to give to both yourself and others.” Filled with love. It brought tears to my eyes.

What she wrote to me was so pure. It hit me hard because of the truth in her statement. I am full of love, and I know that. I have so much to give others, and I know that. And I have plenty to give myself, and I know that too.

When the service was over I expressed to her what that meant to me and she told me she was shocked when she read my note because of how I had complimented her after her speech. I felt so at ease, that all my worry about other people not seeing me for who I am and my good intentions was all in my head. No more validation needed.

Basically, if anyone reading this is struggling with their thoughts as well, you’re not crazy, you are okay. Let your actions speak and your light will shine through.

I am filled with love and I am made with love. 

Until next time,

Hanna

Posted by

I'm Hanna! A wine drinkin', animal lovin', tree huggin', vegan culinary student who is obsessed with finding out where food comes from and how to thrive on a plant-based diet. Join me!

One thought on “Mental Clarity

  1. Hanna, what a beautiful message you wrote and I felt so proud of you and the fact that you have matured so much since the last time I saw you. These feelings that you shared also happen to old ladies like me. Was I a good mother, my son says so, could I make someone smile who needed to be cheered up, why can’t I be happy with the way I look and how do I feel about myself and my life at the end of the day. I am so proud of you and the young woman you have become and just sorry that we could not have been so happy the last time we together. Let me end by telling you how proud I am now to call you my granddaughter. I love you kiddo, Granny Green xo

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s